Wide Awake

I want to share some things with you that are intimate and honest. I hope through reading this, your heart is also shaken in an intimate and honest way.

I have been scared to come home. God has been doing big, big things in my life here. I come home May 29, which is now twenty days away. I'm not really sure where the time has gone, but I know that God has been good in making every day count.

This morning, I listened to a sermon entitled "What's your name?" from Mosaic's service last week. I have felt selfish and cold this past week, a bit distant from the Spirit; where are you Holy one? He is always there, but I can stray from Him easily. It is up to us to choose God daily.

I have been broken this week physically as well and decided to stay home from church this morning, to have some alone time with God without distraction and fully rest in Him.

In the sermon, Deut. 5, the 3rd commandment was dissected. "You shall not misuse the name of the Lord, your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name." Three ways we misuse or abuse the Lord's name were shared.

In the conclusion of the sermon, 2 Philippians was read. Before hearing it, I had prayed to have Christ's attitude this morning because I haven't had any attitude but sour. In confession, I have been selfish, critical, judgmental, fearful of the future -- a true worrier, lately. I have been absorbed more in myself than loving Him and others first.

In talking about God's holy name, the thing that broke me most this morning was how we represent Christ as Christians. When people know me or even meet me for the first time, and I
say I'm a Christian, do they know I'm serious about Christ? No one will take Christians for real, unless we take God for real -- and it shows. Does my life following Christ represent the weightiness, intensity, rescue, and true grace of Christ? Do people feel those things when I say I'm a Christian, and they know or see how I live??

What in the world does this have to do with me going home and having fear trying to root itself there? Everything.

I have been fearful in what's ahead because going home requires more boldness than staying. I was awakened to that truth while listening to the sermon and talking to God this morning.

I am returning to a life full of choices, more apparent worldly desires, and people who knew me as the Maddie before I let God work and change me throughout my time here. God will continue to change me at home; He is omnipresent. He will never leave me, and He goes before and behind me, and each of you. There is also no truth present, whatsoever, in my fear that is trying to stand firm where instead peace should be.

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

He will strengthen me in weakness, when faced with temptation, when I feel alone. He will uphold me and help me. Romans 8:31 "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

I want people to know I am a Christ follower. I want people to feel the weightiness, intensity, rescue, and grace of Christ when I say the word "Christian" referring to myself. When I go home, that will take continued boldness and courage to follow Him in a landmine of daily difficulties.

To anyone who is offended, taken aback, or even saddened by this, good. I hope you are challenged yourself to what the word "Christian" truly means. Please hear me humbly say that I am worthless, but Christ died for me. I have no strength, but He is my strength. I am imperfect, but in His eyes I am beautiful and whole. I am not perfect in striving to live for Christ, whatsoever. However, life for Christ is not light, simple, or even easy.

We are in this battle together, as one united in Christ. My fellow brothers and sisters, let us live today for Christ, losing ourselves not to the world but to Him. Are you bringing glory to His kingdom by calling yourself a Christian? I want to, and He will give us the boldness we need if we truly seek His desires for us. Know Him. He is Everlasting. Be overjoyed, knowing it does not depend on us, yet He wants to use us.

"May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal convenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." Hebrews 13:21 -- My friends, we are already equipped for doing his will. Praise Him.